If We Divorced They Would Keep Alan

For years my parents have left my house after visiting and I say something like, "They are killing me!" or "They are just trying to kill me!" Now I wonder; was I really being dramatic?

Augie is so very excited that Cole is going to be hunting. Of course hunting was going to be a part of Cole's life. It is not mandatory but it just tends to run on both sides of the family and we LIVE in the MITTEN in BEAVER country. The boy does not stand a chance. Augie bought Cole his first gun, a bb gun when Cole was....hmmm......in my womb! Oh you laugh. I hear you. But this is true. I can't make this shit up. Neither can I make this up: Daddy is all happy because he bought Cole hunting knives. Yes. Knives. Plural. After they left I hear Alan say, "Holy Shit! This is a big knife." How big?
We decide to put these away in a safe place. Alan looks in the bag and wait! There is:

Yes. One more. Three. Three knives.

They are trying to do me in.